Into A Bottle
by JaneLane88
Summary: Ash is unable to deal with Craigs recent heartbreak, and turns to alcohol. Only, when she's caught, the consquences are more then she expected. Update 060604
1. Escape

Looking into the bottle, I frowned. It swirled around and around, as if taunting me to drink it. Other empty bottles lie scattered across the kitchen floor. They had all been taunting me too. When I looked through the neck of that bottle into the cool liquid just swishing around and smiling to coyly to me, I began to swig. Swigging turned into chugging. I suppose at this point I should feel drunk, but I felt sober. My mind was working slower as I let my head hit against the counter. The hum of the fridge filled my mind, taking me away into a comatose state that I loved so much.  
  
It felt good to be alone. I had been alone for some time this weekend. My younger stepbrother decided to stay with goofy little friend, JT. I think he felt sorry for me, and didn't want to hang around. That was fine with me. I didn't need anyone. Being alone was probably better off in the long run anyway. Especially after what had happened with that lowlife Craig. He hadn't really cared about me. All he wanted was to use my body, and then leave me. Maybe I wasn't worth more then that.  
  
Thinking of that my mind drifted back to that night we had spent in his garage, our first time together. It was close to Christmas time, and we'd been dating for a while. The guitar I was going to give him was in the shop, and it had been driving me nuts not being able to talk about it. It was going to be the best gift ever. "Craig," I had whispered to him, gazing at him lovingly. "What are we going to do over the holidays?"  
  
What a fool I was. I wasted all that time and energy into pleasing him and trying to be more relaxed with going all the way with him. When he just gave me that grin, my heart started skipping beats as he moved closer. Suddenly we were kissing. I should have felt swept up in the moment, but all I could hear ringing through my head was "This is it, this is it". Then it happened. It seems like a blur now, but there, I was trapped in my mind as he moved his body, checking every once in a while to see if I was "okay". I probably left that night and he invited Manny over. The thought made my stomach drop to my knees.  
  
"Ash?" I heard the front door slam, and Toby call out, "I'm home!"  
  
My eyes went in and out of focus as I heard the thudding footsteps of my stepbrother come closer to me in the kitchen. Once he came around the island, he would see me there, slumped on the floor, and lost in my own thoughts. I prayed he would just mind his own business and go away.  
  
No such luck.  
  
He came around and let out a gasp, he eyes traveling down to me. "Ash!" he kicked aside some bottles and knelt down next to me, placing a cold hand on my wrist. "What...?"  
  
His hand felt clammy to my skin. I wanted to scream at him to get away from me. He was crowding me, I felt like I couldn't breath. I opened my mouth, but air only came out. My eyes were so heavy, so heavy...  
  
When I woke up I felt the warmth of my own bed. All the lights were out, but some light from my open door. I heard voices outside. It was my mom and step dad.  
  
"What are we going to do Kate?" he was whispering. "She's self destructive and she's going to get herself killed."  
  
"Shh, keep your voice down!" she didn't sound angry. She was upset. "I don't know. Let's just, figure it out in the morning."  
  
I looked up to my ceiling. I wished I were dead. That would show them all. It would show every last one of them, even Craig. 


	2. Consequences

"Ashley! This isn't funny anymore. Pick up!" Ellie's voice echoed on my cell phone's voice messaging. "Ugh. Fine. Call me back, please! You've been gone for like two days, and I'm worried. Call me. Bye." I deleted the latest message from Ellie. She was a great friend. Too bad I wasn't ready to fess up to what had happened. Ever since my little slip up, my mom hadn't spoken to me. Even when I asked her for a ride to school, she said nothing. I decided it was best to just leave her alone.  
  
I had spent the past two days curled up in my bed, staring at the wall for hours on end. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, and I stared. And I thought.  
  
What would she do to me? She warned me that if I screwed up again this would be it. I was too terrified to move. Would she throw me out? Would I be out on the streets just wandering around like another troubled youth? No, mom would not do that to me. I've screwed up before, and I went to therapy. It was helping me; it really was, until that damn Craig screwed me up again! Craig, Craig. My mind spun, never leaving this web of fear. Something was going down and it wasn't going to be good.  
  
I looked at the clock beside my bed. 6:42 pm. Toby would be back from watching his little girlfriends game, and the family would be sitting down for dinner. I just curled up tighter, knowing I wouldn't be invited. And why should I be? I was a horrible daughter who they were about to throw out onto the streets.  
  
Tears squeezed past my eyes as I sobbed softly into the pillow. It felt almost like release. I'd been lying here for days, just winding up until the breaking point. Once the tears started, they wouldn't stop flowing. Not even when my face was soggy to match the pillowcase. I was lucky I wasn't wearing my usual make up, otherwise it would be running down my face, dirtying it even more.  
  
A sudden ringing from my cell phone caused my head to jerk up. It rang four times, before I finally reached over and punched the 'talk' button. I brought it to my ear. "Hello?"  
  
"ASH!" It was Ellie. I could hear a giant relieved sigh. "God, I thought you were dead or something! What happened to you? I hear nothing from you all weekend, and then you're gone from school for two days! Where have you been!"  
  
"Umm, I--"  
  
"And you didn't even answer your phone!" Ellie was ranting. I wouldn't be able to get a word in. "You KNOW what happened to Marco when he didn't answer his phone! I was so worried. Don't scare me like that. You're all right, right? Things are okay, aren't they Ash?"  
  
I smiled. "Yes, Ellie, I'm fine."  
  
She sighed again. I felt a pull of guilt in my stomach. Not everyone was as bad as I imagined. Ellie was there for me, and I shouldn't have let her down. I smiled, waiting for her to scold me, but the other end was quiet now.  
  
"Ellie, still there?" I sat up.  
  
"It was a really shitty thing he did to you, Ash." Her voice was low.  
  
I squinted my eyes and turned, seeing my reflection in the mirror over my desk. God, I looked horrid. "Who?"  
  
"Craig." The mention of his name made my stomach jump into my throat. My palms began to sweat so badly, the phone almost slipped from my grip. She sounded annoyed. She must have thought I was pretending not have known who it was.  
  
"If you need a few days to get away from this all, I can understand." Ellie inhaled, "Just, tell me is all! Don't let me worry sick about you!"  
  
We both laughed now. For the first time in days, I felt something other then complete dread, or depression. "Yeah, I'm sorry Ellie. Things have just been--"  
  
I looked up to see my door swing open and my mother step into my room. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest as she stared at me, as disapprovingly as ever. Her face showed mild shock at the sight of me on my bed, talking on the phone with a pleasant smile.  
  
I nearly dropped the phone. I was in trouble, and it felt like you weren't supposing to even have the slightest bit of joy when you were on the bad side of your parents. My mother opening her pursed lips to say, "Hang up the phone. Now." only confirmed my terror.  
  
Slowly, I put the phone to my ear. "Uhh, Ellie, I have to go. No. No. I'll call you. Bye." I hit 'end', and tossed the phone onto my perfectly made bedcover.  
  
I stared at her, waiting for her to make a move. I could hear my heart thudding in my chest as I awaited the worst. Finally she came and sat down on the edge of my bed. I watched her face closely to see if it would lose any of its sternness. At times like these she would become soft and admit she's been lost with what to do with me. That's when we'd both hug and cry and start to resolve so everyone could rebuild, or so my therapist said.  
  
But her look never changed. She wasn't even looking at me now. She was just staring hard at the carpet, as if trying to pretend I wasn't there so she could put off saying whatever it was she was holding in. My heart sunk. This time was going to be different.  
  
"Mom?" I said softly. I didn't want to break this thick moment, because the following moments could only bring on worse things. At the same time, I couldn't sit there waiting. I'd been waiting for two days for something to happen. Now that something was, I wasn't willing to wait another minute, even if it was bad.  
  
She let out a soft sigh, her face falling. I retained some hope.  
  
Then she turned to me and began her lecture. "Ashley, after your drug use last year, I've been so worried about you. I've been thinking I'm some sort of horrible mother who has let you down; raised you wrong."  
  
I shook my head quickly. "No, Mom--" No! I wanted to scream. I had never wanted her to feel that way. I was the one who let her down. She was always there for me, and I was the bad daughter. She was perfect, she was more then anyone could hope for, but before I could say one more word, she interrupted.  
  
"Let me finish." She held a hand up, stopping me. She placed the hand on her chest. She looked so tired. So stressed out. I was stressing her. "Only, I know it isn't me. It's beyond me. Even after therapy, and starting over with Craig, you still haven't changed."  
  
What? WHAT? S-she couldn't be suggesting what I think she's suggesting. I did let her down, but I wasn't a bad daughter!  
  
She looked into my eyes now. "You living here," she paused, and I felt my throat close entirely. "It isn't working out. You're not getting any better."  
  
I stood up now. My body felt like a spring, one that snapped beyond my control. Panic was clutching my chest making my breathing ragged as I started to sputter. "B-but mom! I AM getting better! It was just one night. I had a few beers--" She only shook her head and looked down. As if she was expecting me to make some excuse like this. Like I was some druggie or alcoholic who had a vicious cycle. I wasn't like that!  
  
"I'm not like that!" I screamed.  
  
The sudden raise in my voice startled us both. We each were motionless for several minutes, merely staring at each other in shock.  
  
"Mom," I finally said after some time. I sank onto the bed in front of her, taking her hands in mine. I had to make her believe me. I had to make her see that it was just depression causing me to do what I did. It wasn't like I'd ever, ever do it again. I needed an escape, and I had got one, I wouldn't ever NEED to do it again. It was just a mistake; she had to see that...  
  
Only, when I looked to her pleadingly, she pulled her hand from mine and stood up, avoiding my gaze. "I'm sorry Ashley, but you're going to have to live with your father. I can't take this anymore."  
  
I stood again, only my legs felt shaky like they wouldn't support me. "Mom, please." I tried to block her from leaving. "You can't kick me out. I'm your daughter!"  
  
She looked to me, tears starting to fill in her eyes. "I know, which is why I have to do what's best for you. It's why I can't let you stay here. You'll get yourself killed."  
  
"You know I'm not a bad kid, mom." My voice cracked under the strain. I was desperate. She had to see! "Please. Nothing like this will happen ever--"  
  
"Ever again?" She shook her head, only in disgust now. "That's what you said last time, Ashley. This time, I'm putting my foot down. I want your stuff packed by tomorrow afternoon."  
  
At the finalization of her words, my knees gave out and I slumped into the wall. My mother didn't look twice as she hurried past me and down the stairs.  
  
She had abandoned me. The news didn't even seem real, as I just stood there dazed. Yet I knew in my heart, this was real. I had to leave my own home, by tomorrow. 


	3. Confrontation

It was the longest drive to Degrassi, that next morning. No one said anything. I had won the front seat over Toby, but for some reason, he hadn't put up much of a fuss. Why should he? I thought. He'll have the front seat every day, when I'm gone.  
  
As the neighborhood slid by, I watched it all. Even though I had memorized it a long time ago, today it felt new. My dad didn't live in this area, and I'd probably transfer schools, meaning I'd probably never hang out in this area again.  
  
As we pulled in front of Degrassi, I saw the daily buzz that never seemed to change. Kids were hanging around the steps, some flocking towards the double doors. They were all carrying on as if nothing had happened. I felt very small in comparison to the world at that moment.  
  
Toby's door closing brought me back to attention. Mom was looking at me. Ever since she told me the news, she had been looking at me like she wanted to say something, was afraid of breaking me. To bad I was already broken, but she would never realize that. She couldn't even see it.  
  
I unfastened seatbelt and collected my books before pushing the door open. I stepped out and looked up into the sky. Grey clouds were moving overhead, all congregating over Degrassi.  
  
"Have a good day, Ash!" Mom called to me, cheerful like nothing was wrong.  
  
I looked over at my shoulder at her. She gave me a hopeful smile, one that made my insides turn sour. I shut the door and turned to walk up the steps, not even bothering to watch her drive off.  
  
My feet felt like they weighed a thousand pounds each as I trudged up the stairs. Each step was harder then the last, and it would have been so easy to just give up there. I reached the top and looked over, seeing Ellie had magically appeared at my side. She was beaming at me, and she grasped my arm.  
  
"Ashley! You're here!" Her eyes searched my face for a moment. "What is it?"  
  
I opened my mouth, to let everything spill out, but the bell overhead rang. I looked up and then shrugged helplessly to her. We had to get to homeroom. The two of us walked side by side towards our classroom. Up ahead I saw Paige and Spinner lingering in the hallway, talking about something. As we approached them, Ellie said nothing. It was almost like a silent understanding. Paige and I were friends, not Ellie and Paige. I had once been in this popular circle group, but I wasn't anymore, but we still said hi to each other for good social standing. Ellie never seemed to care about any of that, but she let me play my social games all the same.  
  
"Hey Paige," I said lightly. "How were your holidays?"  
  
She turned and gave me a quick fake grin. "Oh, they were great. Mom and dad put out for Spin and I to go skiing."  
  
I nodded, trying to pretend like I was interested. "That must have been great."  
  
Paige's face fell and she turned from us. "Yeah, great." She walked off and entered the classroom without looking back. Ellie and I looked to Spinner, utterly confused.  
  
Spinner moved aside and motioned for me. I took a step foreword, waiting for him to explain her odd behavior.  
  
"We saw Dean," he whispered. "He was at the ski lodge, with some girl. Paige went nuts."  
  
My mouth dropped a little. Sure, Paige wasn't always the nicest of girls, but she didn't deserve what had happened to her a few months back. Dean had victimized her in the worst way, and she was still haunted by it, even though she talked to the school counselor almost every day. I nodded my head, feeling sympathetic towards her. I turned to look at Ellie, but she was gone. My brow furrowed in curiosity, but I made my way into homeroom, just as the final bell rang.  
  
As I walked towards my seat, I watched Ellie and Paige talking. They both looked so serious, like something terrible had happened. I walked over and dropped into my seat, just watching them. When they finally noticed me staring, Paige rolled her eyes and made her way to the other side of the classroom towards her seat. Ellie glanced at me, then looked away embarrassed as she sat down and opened a book. I raised an eyebrow in curiosity. It was highly strange for my new best friend to be on speaking terms with my old best friend. It had to mean something was going on. I cleared my throat noisily, waiting for Ellie to speak up.  
  
"What?" She didn't bother to even look at me.  
  
"You, Paige? The whole talking thing." I turned in my seat towards her, getting the feeling this was something I should be included in on. "What was all that about?"  
  
"I'm free to talk to whoever I want," Ellie snapped back, defensively.  
  
I was taken aback. I turned in my seat slightly, before whispering, "I didn't mean that. I meant, why Paige?"  
  
Ellie gave a defeated sigh before looking at me. "We have something in common."  
  
I stared at her, before grinning sarcastically. "What could you and Paige have in common?"  
  
Ellie shook her head and turned to the front of the classroom, to see the teacher enter. I just slumped in my seat, wondering how my world could be so rocked in one day. First, I'm kicked out of my house, and now my best friend is telling me she has something in common with a complete witch like Paige.  
  
---  
  
Lunchtime was a buzz of students. I sat at the table, waiting for Ellie to get through the lunch line. I looked around at all of the different clicks of high school students. Some were laughing with friends. Others were quiet and poking at food. I felt like I was set aside from everyone. I was the only one who could see it all from the outside. My eyes shifted and they caught with two familiar eyes. Craig's head was up as our eyes connected. I felt a jump in my heart. He made a small face, before looking over and saying something to Jimmy. I shook my head. He was the one who ruined my life.  
  
I looked back to Ellie who was making her way over with her lunch tray. She watched me in return as she set her tray down and took a seat. "Who were you looking at?" She asked curiously.  
  
"Craig." I gritted my teeth. "He's ruined my life."  
  
Ellie took a sip of her milk and looked at me disbelievingly. "Ruined your life? Come on, Ash. That's a bit strong, don't you think?"  
  
"No. I don't." I pushed my chair back from the table and stood up. "And I'm going to tell him so."  
  
I felt my heart speed up with each step that I took closer to Craig. Jimmy noticed first. He looked up at me questioningly. Craig followed suit. He looked nervous. "Hey, Ash." He ran a hand through his hair and watched me.  
  
I felt like an animal. I wanted to lunge at him and grab him by the throat and just kick and hit and scream. I wanted to make him hurt. I wanted him to feel upside down and blown apart for what he did to me. Him just sitting their feeling like a jerk wasn't enough. I opened my mouth to tell him so, when I saw Manny walk up and put her arms around Craig from behind. "Are we still on for tonight, sweetie?" Her eyes never left mine.  
  
I was shocked. She knew about him and I, and was STILL dating him? I looked to him. He looked fearful. Manny's arms tightened around him as she looked at me evilly, before leaning down and kissing his cheek. "Great, pick me up at 7." She was slow to release him before she turned. She tossed me a venomous stare in my direction before sauntering off.  
  
I snapped. I could feel an actual click within my body. All at once I was flushed. There were loud screaming sounds coming from my ears and mouth. I realized I was screaming. I was yelling at the top of my lungs, without any control. I lunged foreword and grabbed a hold of Craig's tray and threw it off the table. "You've ruined everything! I hate you! I hate you!"  
  
His eyes widened as he backed his chair up in fear. He stood and tried to lean over to grab me. "Ash! Ash! It's okay--"  
  
"Don't touch me!" My hand reacted before I could. It sailed up and across his cheek. The slapping sound on his cheek reverberated through my hand. I could hear the slow motion echo only.  
  
Finally, it was if my eyes were clear. I stood breathing heavily, just watching Craig's head slowly turn back as he grabbed his face. From the corners of my eyes I could see everyone else frozen in their seats, just staring at the two of us.  
  
"What's your problem!?" Craig yelled. He angrily shoved his chair out of the way, and the flimsy piece of plastic flew backwards onto the ground.  
  
I glared. How dare HE be angry with ME? He was the one who ruined everything!  
  
"You're my problem." I snapped, before turning and marching away.  
  
I couldn't take this anymore. All of it was too much. Something had to be done. 


	4. Truth

A.N – Usually I don't add these because I hardly ever read them. Lol But I think this is a good place to put them because I wanted to thank everyone who's been reviewing this story! THANK YOU! This is my first piece of fan fiction that I've been writing and really enjoying. It's been cool to update it, and I have some other story ideas if anyone would be interested. This one I'm hoping to keep interesting, and so I love hearing you're opinions on them. Thanks so much for reading!  
  
A-chan  
  
I thought it would be Ellie to be the first to find me. She was my best friend. As I sat huddled on the toilet in the girls' washroom, I waited. Someone would have something to say about what just happened. I wished I could stay here forever. Things were quickly falling apart around me, and tighter I tried to hold onto it, the more my grip slid.  
  
"Ms. Kerwin?" I heard a soft knock on the stall door. I looked up to see Ms. Kwan peeking through the gap at me.  
  
I peeled myself off the toilet and stood, opening the stall. I just stared at the ground. I didn't want to face anyone because I wasn't ready to. Much to my surprise she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a warm embrace. I was a confused as we stood their a moment, hugging. Finally she let me go and looked into my face, even though I would not catch her eye. She smoothed down the side of my hair that was slowly growing back. "Mr. Radish wants to see you in his office." Even though it was scary news, she sounded so calm and concerned, that I didn't feel any fear.  
  
Or maybe it was the fact that I was beyond fear. Everything was slowly but surely going, and why should this be any different? I wasn't afraid anymore, as I followed Ms. Kwan out of the washroom and down the hall towards the office. Some kids were crowding the hallways, and when they saw me coming they pointed and whispered things to one another. It didn't faze me.  
  
I was starting to see how fear ruled people's lives. How is made us stay within guidelines or make our decisions for us. It was funny how fearless I seemed to be when everything was wrong. Life should have been the other way. We shouldn't fear what we do from day to day, because life is too short. I also wondered that if it was because people felt secure, that they felt afraid. To lose their security causes them to fear. The world somehow made so much sense that I could have written a book with simple guidelines to life. This is what I thought about as I crossed my arms and sat down across from Mr. Radish in his office.  
  
He looked over his glasses at me, his hands folded on top of his desk. He was waiting for me to say something. I just sat there, staring back at him. We held both held out for a long time, but he finally cracked when he sighed. "Ashley, is there something going on?" He asked, even though from his tone he already knew there was. Why else would I be seated in the Principles office if something weren't going on?  
  
I decided to be coy. There was no need for me to rush things. I might not even be returning to Degrassi.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
He motioned behind me, probably referencing what happened in the cafeteria. "I'm talking about what went on in there. It was inappropriate behavior." His voice was rising. I wondered if he would lecture me too.  
  
I sighed, although it wasn't a resigned one, it was a frustrated one. He was wasting both our time. "I lost my temper," I said, through gritted teeth. "That's all."  
  
He paused a moment and leaned back in his plush chair. He was studying me. I decided to look at the corner of his desk at that moment. If I looked indescribable, he wouldn't be able to read me. He couldn't read what was going on. I liked it better that way. Finally he nodded a bit, as if seeing my defenses were up. "Very well. I'll let you go with a warning this time," He leaned foreword, trying to be menacing. "But we warned that Degrassi does not favor that attitude. You've been a good student here, and I would hate to see anything jeopardize that."  
  
He sounded just like my parents. Just like one of my teachers. They all sounded the same, now that I thought about it. They all sounded ancient, like they didn't know what they were doing and they had read some cheesy lines from a book. They didn't remember what it was like to be a teenager at all. They didn't understand, but they couldn't even see that they didn't understand. It was pathetic.  
  
To be a good sport, I nodded slowly. "May I go now?"  
  
He frowned. His feathers were probably ruffled at the thought that I didn't care if I was punished or not. He didn't have any power over me. "Yes. But no more fights, understood?"  
  
I stood, trying hard not to glare at him. "Yes Mr. Radish, I understand." I refrained from being overly sarcastic. It worked. He nodded and began to shuffle some papers as a silent excusing of me.  
  
I turned and made my way out of the office. The halls were now filling more with students, as the first bell was going to ring soon. All of their faces blurred as I strode by. My mind felt foggy, so I focused solely on making it to my next class. I still had 3 periods to go before I would be free to go home.  
  
Go home to what? I remembered. Go home to packing, to living with a Dad that I hadn't been close to in years. It was like every thought I had lead down a road that didn't go anywhere. I entered the classroom, and was ambushed by Ellie. She stood there in front of me, with her hands on her hips.  
  
"What's going on Ashley?" She demanded.  
  
I stood surprised. It was kind of funny of her thinking she could intimidate me when I was inches taller then she was. I brushed past her and found my seat. My legs were getting that feeling like I wouldn't be able to stand much longer.  
  
Ellie was right on my tail. She looked furious, something I hadn't ever seen before. "Something is going on. I'm your best friend, aren't I?"  
  
I nodded, resigned. "Of course, El." How could I explain?  
  
"Then you can tell me anything." She sat in the seat beside me, her eyes never leaving my face.  
  
I looked to the front of the classroom, staring at the well-used chalkboard. "I messed up."  
  
"Messed up?" She shook her head, confused. "Messed up how?"  
  
I curled my fingers. Shame was starting to build up in my stomach as I stared hard, trying to remember the words to say. Something to say to make it sound less bad then it actually was. There wasn't a good way to say it. There was no good involved with what happened.  
  
"I--I got drunk over the weekend." I glanced at her face, but quickly looked away when I saw the mild shock. I continued in a rush, "Toby found me, and he called my parents home from their weekend get-away. Basically my mother is furious with me and decided she couldn't take it anymore and has kicked me out of the house."  
  
I let out a long breath, and waited for Ellie's response. Her eyes shifted down and she smiled a little. "Sounds like you're at the breaking point." Her voice was soft.  
  
I felt relief that she wasn't ranting about me drinking. Anyone else would be. Then again, she wasn't around to see me on the drugs. To see me cast everyone out of my life with only one decision. This time hadn't really hurt anyone, except myself. I really did underestimate her.  
  
"So what are you going to do?" Ellie was looking at me expectantly.  
  
I gave a half shrug. "I have no choice. I have to move out."  
  
Ellie's look fell. "But where will you go?"  
  
"With my dad, most likely." I shuddered a little at the thought. Going and staying with my gay father while he traveled the world with his lover, which was not the happiest thought. "Although I'm not sure how it's going to work."  
  
Ellie's brows furrowed, as she thought. "Your dad. You've never really talked about him. Does he live around here?"  
  
I laughed. I couldn't help it. She probably thought he was as steady and stable as my mother. "No. He's dedicated to his business and travels all over the place, for months at a time usually. In the past we'd hang out for a weekend, just doing things I wanted to do."  
  
I think Ellie realized what this could mean, but she didn't have the heart to say it yet. "So--"  
  
I waited, watching her softly. I could almost feel my heart breaking too. I finally find a decent best friend, and this happens. "You want to know if I'll have to leave Degrassi, right?" I tilted my head.  
  
She nodded silently, and I couldn't help but notice her red braids bounce around. This made me smile a little as I looked down. "I don't know Ellie. I just don't know what's going to happen."  
  
---  
  
The last bell finally rang. I scooped up my books and ran out of the classroom before any of my friends could stop to ask what happened at lunch. I practically ran down the hallway and out the double doors. I looked around for my mom's car, but noticed she wasn't here yet. Ellie came out the door behind me. "Wait up!" She called, breathless. She must have run to catch up with me. "I want to talk to you."  
  
I nodded and followed her back inside. We wandered down the hall, towards the counseling office. When she nodded on the door, I looked at her. "What are we doing here?"  
  
"I want you to talk to her. She can really help."  
  
I leaned against the wall. "I'm already in therapy, remember?"  
  
Ellie nodded. "I know, but--"  
  
"But what?" I shook my head. "I think it's beyond her help."  
  
Ellie sobered up a moment and stared hard at me. "She helped me."  
  
"Helped you with what?"  
  
Suddenly, the girl I knew to be my best friend shuffled her feet and backed away. She looked--ashamed. I got the same feeling as earlier, when she was talking with Paige. Suddenly it clicked. Paige had been in counseling, I wondered if this was that thing they had in common that she was talking about. Had Ellie been violated?  
  
My spine pricked, as I felt my protective nature kick in. "Ellie, why are you in counseling?"  
  
Her eyes shifted and her mouth opened, but nothing came out. I moved and put a hand on her arm. I wanted her to know whatever she had to tell me it was okay. I'd be here for her. She smiled slightly, then sighed. "Ever since my dad left, it's been really hard." She glanced up at me, then away, before leaning against the wall. "I--I started cutting myself."  
  
I was shocked. "Ellie, you cut?" I whispered hoarsely.  
  
She nodded slightly, then looked up at me honestly. "I haven't in a long time, because I'm getting help. It was actually, Paige, who helped."  
  
A double shock came to me. "Paige?"  
  
She nodded. "Everyone has their secrets, Ash. I was cutting. Paige was raped. Craig was cheating. You were drinking." As she talked, my head spun. The news seemed so surreal, yet after everything that had been happening to me, I should believe it.  
  
I leaned against the wall, letting my head swim. Just then I looked up to see Manny Santos walking over to me. She stood in front of me, eyeing me up and down with distaste. I scowled and stood taller. "Manny."  
  
She rolled her eyes and tossed her hair, before placing a hand on her exposed hip. "Whatever. I just came to tell you, to stay away from Craig." She glared at me defiantly.  
  
"Excuse me?" I almost laughed. Manny used to be some nothing girl, and now that she dressed like a slut, she thought she could do whatever she wanted.  
  
"You heard me. He thinks you're a psycho freak, and he doesn't want anything to do with you. He's my man now, and you need to stay away from him." She crossed her arms. "Got it?"  
  
I took a step closer, hovering over her. "Is that a threat?"  
  
Her face flinched momentarily, but then pulled another glare back together. "Maybe it is." She spun on her heel now and walked away.  
  
I scuffed and looked over at Ellie, whose eyebrows were raised. She stood beside me and watched Manny walk off. I felt rage boiling under my skin.  
  
"I wonder what her secret is?" Ellie mused, before looking at me.  
  
Suddenly, I wondered too. What did Manny Santos hide? 


	5. Goodbyes

A.N. – Sorry for the delay, thank you for the reviews! I'm glad you're all still reading.  
  
As much as I had dreaded seeing my father, it was completely different once he wrapped his arms around me. I nearly collapsed against him with relief. I was flooded with memories of being a child and running into his arms after a long day away from him. He was hugging me so tightly; I wondered if he was reminiscing about the past as well. As I sat there, smelling his familiar cologne, I could have been that 7-year-old girl who a father could protect, no matter what the world threw at us.  
  
Finally he let go of me, and I noticed his eyes watering slightly. "Gosh, honey. I didn't mean to squeeze you so tight. You get older every time I see you." He chuckled and wiped his face.  
  
I shrugged meekly and smiled. "I don't mind." I looked to him honestly. "I missed you too."  
  
His smiled seemed to get impossibly bigger. He opened the door to his car. I glanced at it. "A BMW, dad?" I laughed a bit as I sat down inside. It even smelled of new car. "Fancy."  
  
My dad opened his door and got in beside me. He looked like he'd never stop smiling. "Actually, it's a rental. But if you like this, maybe one for your sweet 16th, eh?" He winked at me and reached over, tickling my chin. "Although I don't think you could get any sweeter."  
  
"Dad," I scolded him, even though I was flattered.  
  
A new car for my birthday? A tingle jumped across my skin. We both fastened our seatbelts, before he pulled out of the Degrassi parking lot. I watched the school in the side mirror get smaller and smaller, until there was nothing left. I tried to suppress a sigh. I didn't want Dad to see how bad things were, even though he knew the situation. Instead I squeezed my knees to remind myself to be pleasant and happy. "So how's business?"  
  
He glanced over at me; he seemed surprised I would ask. "Well, you know." He shrugged half-heartedly. "It's the same as ever. Keeps me quite busy."  
  
"Yeah, I noticed." I looked down. "The last letter went unanswered."  
  
"That's because I knew I was coming to see you in person!" he was trying to be enthusiastic. "I'm much better in person then I am on paper."  
  
"Dad, 7 months ago?" I stared at him now. I could see the harsh lines on his face, and the little wrinkles that collected when he frowned. His eyes didn't meet mine. They seemed clouded over.  
  
He didn't seem so inviting and cheerful anymore. I tried to shake my head of the negative thoughts that were already starting to bring me down. I wondered if I burdened mom with this all the time. Was it things like this that drove her to our current situation?  
  
He pulled the car over smoothly and I looked to see we were home. I undid my seatbelt and stood up, heaving a sigh. The small hope that had been building in my stomach seemed to be clutched by fear now, dragging me back towards the uneasiness that ate away at me. As I tried to gather my courage, my father had come around and put his arm across my shoulders. "Everything will be alright, Ash."  
  
I mustered a smile, and nodded to him in return. We both marched to the front door that swung open once we reached the porch. My mother practically flew out and latched onto my father, giving him an over zealous hug and a production of a kiss on the cheek. "Ohh!" She was gushing at the sight of him. "It's so good to see you again!"  
  
I hung back, watching the display, as the two talked excitedly, like nothing was wrong at all. Finally, their smiles faded as they both turned in my direction, finally noticing my presence. Two sets of eyes cast downwards, before my mother took charge and turned, gracefully capturing my father by the arm as she led him inside. "Come inside, please!"  
  
I followed in silence, looking around my home as if it were some new place. My mother was scurrying to the kitchen, asking rapid-fire questions to my father who was patiently answering them, with a mixture of amusement and pride. I slid up the stairs and opened the door to my room, and the sight made me catch my heart in my throat. The room in front of me held bare walls, a disassembled bed, and several boxes stacked neatly in the middle of the room. I took a staggering step foreword, casting my eyes around, seeing everything was ready to be taken. Who had done this?  
  
Overcome by emotion, I dropped onto a nearby box, as a sob escaped my throat. Unfortunately, it was immediately followed by a squeal as the top of the box gave way under my weight and my behind came in contact with some cloth. I blinked and tried to sit up, all of my midsection stuck in the box. My feet dangled a few inches of the ground, as I struggled to free myself. I saw a figure looming in the doorway, and noticed Toby had come to my rescue. His lips were quirked as he tried to suppress a grin.  
  
"It's not funny!" I snapped. "Help me up."  
  
He finally let loose the laugh he had been holding in and walked over, taking my outstretched arms and tugging. Once I got to my feet, I looked at him, a bit softer now. As I gazed at Toby who was still chuckling at me, I realized that I was actually going to miss him. Before I knew it, we were tangled in an awkward hug. I just held on to ride it out, while Toby squirmed in surprise. "Ashley?"  
  
I rushed to explain. "Toby, I know we've had our differences, but I'm really going to miss you." Something flared inside me, "Even though you ratted me out."  
  
He flinched somewhat and gazed up at me with an apologetic look from his glasses. He gave a resigned sigh and looked away from me. "I didn't want to, but I was really scared."  
  
I gulped down anything else bitter I had to say. This wasn't the place. "You did the right thing," I admitted quietly.  
  
This time we looked at each other, and hugged automatically. More like family. Tears were forming behind my eyes, so I squeezed them shut as we parted. I rubbed at them with my hands, trying to be inconspicuous. Fortunately, Toby was backing out of my room. "You promise to call?"  
  
I let out a small laugh. It seemed so ironic that we were trying to keep in contact with each other when we'd spent so much time detesting each other. Now I felt like a small part of me was being lost. I had never wanted a brother, but looking back, I realized that I had adopted the position of an older sister quite easily. It wasn't ever an easy path, but one I had grown accustomed to, non-the-less. Who would take my place? "Of course," I croaked out, on the verge of breaking down again.  
  
He paused, with his hand on my door handle. "And Ash, no one could take your place."  
  
I smiled, tears now inevitable. They came to my eyes, no matter how hard I willed them back. As Toby turned to leave, I saw my dad at the top of the stairs. "Ash?" He came to me and placed his hands on my shoulders, gazing at me full of concern. "What is it?"  
  
I shrugged helplessly. "Goodbyes are hard." The truth knotted against my words. Once again, I felt like I was watching everything happening, not really living this surreal life.  
  
He chose to remain silent, but took a step back and smiled a bit. "Your mom has offered us to stay for dinner. You know, a last chance. Maybe make those goodbyes less hard?" He tilted his head, trying to bring any light he could to the dark.  
  
I don't think he understood how loaded the goodbyes would be. So complicated, nothing could be harder. I sighed, trying to get this thought to stop circling around my head. He was beckoning me downstairs, but I shook my head. "Actually, I'm not hungry. I think I'm just going to go for a walk." I noted the look of hurt on his face, and quickly added, "If that's alright."  
  
He gave a disapproving sigh, but nodded grudgingly. "Alright, sweetheart."  
  
I slipped on a jacket and emerged in the chilly night, setting out as the last of the sun hovered in the air. I didn't know where I was going. I just let my heavy boots carry me along. I don't think I could have stuck to a planned route anyway since my mind was in a fog. When I finally stopped, I looked up and saw that I had come to Degrassi. I wasn't bewildered by my choice. Instead, I felt some comfort. As I made my way towards it, I couldn't help but feel some comfort. Degrassi had been consistent in my life through the good and bad. And now, sitting on the steps, I felt a sadness of leaving the school behind wash over me. More irony, I suppose. Most days I was either so stressed about making sure all my hard work went through for the school, or wishing I could be as far away from it as I could from all the teenage drama floating in the air.  
  
The lights covered me, as I sat in front of the main entrance. I felt, for the first time in days, peaceful.  
  
I sat there with my knees hugged to my chest, soaking up the quiet calm. I heard a rustle of bushes beside me. I jumped back, my heart immediately speeding up. There was another rustle, down to my right. I narrowed my eyes, as I slowly lifted myself from the stairs and carefully made my way to the bottom, and in front of the bush. Through the limited light, I could see flashes of blue behind the dense amount of foliage. I pitched my hands foreword and grasped at the figure, hauling them forward. Unfortunately, they were light, causing us both to spring, and sprawl to the ground. I thudded against the sidewalk, cursing the number of times I had fallen today, before looking over at the captor. I gaped, to see a guilty Emma Nelson, sitting up and groaning from similar pain. 


End file.
